Authors note: this newsletter contains a fair few videos + footnotes with banterous commentary. To save yourself jumping in and out of Youtube and to see the footnotes, best click the title above and read it in your browser.
Wahhhooooooo! Welcome!
Shoutout out to Sydney, Catherine, Ishan and Alex for joining this past month!
This week’s essay is a doozy so imma cut the pre-amble and cut straight to it.
Without further ado:
Essay: Entering Phase Three
"If it were possible to measure fun, I think I'd be in the top 1% in the world," thought 21-year-old Nic, donning his party shirt1.
Not only did I tick all the career boxes – university degree, pursuing a startup idea, and working part-time as a 'Business Innovation and Change Consultant'2 for a serial entrepreneur – but my social life was thriving. I had built a reputation as a rascal who left everyone with unforgettable stories from our nights out.
However, within two years I found myself disillusioned by my career progress and completely sober at parties. What happened?
Chasing External Validation
My belief was you went to school, to get into university, to get a corporate job and once you did so you’d find joy, meaning and fulfillment. After all, why else would so many follow that path?
By February of 2020 I’d achieved it. After 13 years of school and 4 years of university I started what I considered my dream job. I ran startup accelerator programs for a venture capital company.
Yet, after a month, I was shocked to find that none of the expected positive emotions accompanied the role. There was no sense of fulfillment, no overwhelming joy, and only a slight sense of meaning.
Confused, I realised I had deceived myself. I considered it a 'dream job' solely because of the status it promised.
Venture capital was a highly respected industry that impressed my friends and family. While working part-time, I was content with enduring the work for the allure of external validation I thought a full-time job there would bring. But now, as a full-time employee, the work simply felt like work. There was no longer a motivating factor to keep me engaged.
Our Hero’s Journey
Lost and confused, I discovered my desire for external validation stemmed from my deep insecurity.
Despite projecting confidence, my party-shirt persona served as armour. Without it, I became crippled by the fear of others' opinions. I couldn't even have a phone conversation with my girlfriend while riding the bus home from work, fearing judgment from those around me.
It wasn't until I came across Ben Crowe's work that I began to understand the journey I was on.
Crowe, a world-leading mindset coach, shares that we all go on a hero's journey. On the Dyl & Friends Podcast he defined the journey in three phases:
“Phase 1 is all me, me, me, I, I, I. You work hard at school to get good grades, you win a race to get a blue ribbon. We get recognised for achievement and it makes us feel significant.
Phase 2 is the crucible moments we face in our 20s, 30s, 40s and they’re laced with meaning. We need to lean into these moments, because they’re either going to hold us back, PTSD or they’ll project us forward, post-traumatic growth.
Phase 3 is where you realise one of life’s great truisms, that life isn’t about you. It’s about the impact you can have on someone else’s life…This is the chapter where our purpose gets revealed, our sense of meaning, fulfillment and contribution.”
Upon hearing this a series of lightbulbs illuminated my mind.
I realised I’d been living in phase one. Everything I did was about me.
All the partying was about me having fun. All the stunts were about me receiving positive feedback from friends. All my career ambitions were about me receiving validation.
All my actions were motivated by a desire to feel significant.
I also recognised the disillusionment I now felt was a crucible moment.
However, to experience post-traumatic growth and move into phase three, rather than PTSD and back into phase one, I needed to overcome my crippling insecurity. I needed to find unconditional self-worth.
The Paradox of Finding Unconditional Self-Worth
Unconditional self-worth is refusing to place conditions on your worth such as what you achieve and what others think. To believe you are enough as you are.
Crowe shares the key to finding unconditional self-worth is embracing your weirdness and owning your story.
However, for three years I failed to find that unconditional worth.
I began owning my story through writing online and delivering a keynote on my struggles with vulnerability. However, I did it in near silence. I refused to share what I did across my socials. Only those closest to me (eventually) learnt.
Why?
Because I was absolutely terrified of what others may think of me. I feared judgement. I feared I wasn’t good enough. I feared failing.
I found myself in a paradox.
To connect with the unconditional self-worth I needed to embrace my weird and share my story. Yet, I was scared precisely because I didn't possess unconditional self-worth.
Overcoming Fear
The answer?
I created a program that forced me to face my fears and show-up.
Realising that if fear was paralysing me, it was likely affecting others too, I invited two friends, Blue and Harry, to join me in a 4-week challenge called Sprouter. Each week, we had to embrace our 'weird' or share our stories and post them online.
Initially, even sharing a video of me talking on my Instagram story felt overwhelming. So week 1 I did a piece-to-camera on the journey we were about to embark on.
Week 2 & 3 I began sharing my morning dance on Instagram and starting a silent disco at Bondi Beach.
Week 4 I tapped into my love of magic, completing a series of magic tricks for random people at the pub.
After the four weeks my fear of rejection began to dissipate and I began to feel freer. I found myself longer operating from a place of fear and worry what others may think. I found myself operating from a place of love and appreciation for how playful life can be.
Curious to see how far we could push ourselves, we decided to do another four week challenge and invited more friends.
Finding Unconditional Self-Worth
On this occasion I began to systematically dismantle all areas of my life I previously attached self-worth to and led me to operate from a place of fear.
Week 1 was all about physical appearance.
Since my last relationship ended I found myself overthinking how I looked. Fearful my curly hair and goofy smile may prevent me from finding the girl of my “dreams”. Rather than continue to let these thoughts fester, I decided to play with how I look to dissociate my worth from my appearance.
I pierced my ears, painted my nails and braided my hair.
Week 2 was about overcoming my perfectionism.
Whether it’s work, sport or the gym, I strive to be a high-achiever. However, there’s one area of my life I’ll never get a gold star: singing.
I’m bad, so bad that in year 4 where the school choir accepts anyone they refused to accept me.
To challenge my perfectionist tendency, I posted a video of me singing 7-year old Nic’s favourite song on Instagram.
Week 3 was about overcoming my fear of failure.
To change my definition of success away from the outcome and towards showing up. I did this through challenging myself to do ten minutes of standup comedy at the local open mic night. A fortnightly event where people get up and perform whatever their heart desires.
Week 4 was overcoming my fear of dreaming again.
Three years ago I watched a motivational video by Prince EA.
Afterwards I felt emotional, not only because what he shares deeply resonates. But because something inside me whispered “Nic, that could be you, you’d love to create videos like that”. However, Nic of three years ago was scared shitless and immediately shut down the thought.
When the thought bubbled into mind again recently, the Nic of today embraced the challenge. So for the fourth week I shared my own version of an educational video.
After completing each of these challenges something amazing happened:
I found myself judging my worth, not on the outcome of my actions, but on whether I showed up. The outcome and what other people thought was no longer relevant.
Entering Phase Three
From this place I did the thing I felt called to do three years ago after failing to find fulfilment but have been to scared too: I resigned.
Rather than seek another full-time job though I’ve decided to go all in on Sprouter. I’m continuing to deliver programs however, this time it’s not for the external validation. It comes from the overflowing sense of meaning, joy and fulfilment I find when creating this transformation for others.
I’m also back wearing party shirts, but they’re no longer my armour. I wear them because I like them and that’s enough.
Fail of the week:
When a man needs to go he needs to go. All focus is directed towards finding the appropriate facilities to take care of business. Especially when you’re somewhere unfamiliar.
This is the situation I found myself shortly after arriving to play futsal with 10 French men, only one of which I knew.
To me this appeared to be my holy grail:
What else could it be?
Well upon approaching I quickly found myself flat on my back. If you look closely at the bottom of the image you’ll see the trail of my demise.
The consequence of my mud slide?
Not only that, when I finally did look inside there was no toilet:
On the bright side the local Indonesian ladies watching me found this whole episode hilarious so at least I provided them with their afternoon entertainment.
Until the next newsletter,
Cheers,
Nic
It seems like hyperbole but 21 year old Nic truly wore a party shirt almost everywhere he went. His collection was one of his pride and joys.
Uni = party shirt
Date night = party shirt
Party = party shirt
This was a glorified way to say I was his bitch
Nic, PLEASE sing forever.
That whole video alone made my day.💙